Friday, February 02, 2007

My ADD interferes with my OCD

True quote from my best friend. We were discussing the joys of being both ADD and OCD when she came up with this gold. Need to think about the implications.

May I ramble on a bit? All right, you say, and in fact necessary to identify a post as being uniquely mine. Not kind of unique, sort of unique, nearly unique, [uniquer--per egSon] thank you lovely children who know this pet peeve. It is either one of a kind or not. Unique or not unique. /rant.

As to rambling, you might think this was the very sign of me posting, rather like looseheadprop's spelling errors at firedoglake. It's how we know it is her speaking.

This lovely friend came over today, as every Friday, to help in whatever way I needed for the Russian Medical Fund work. Today the agenda was to keep the president from quitting. Again. But rather seriously this time.

According to my friend, there are still children who will die without our help, and no one will take my place if I quit [what is WRONG with this world], and I probably am strong enough to keep doing this work. Gratuitous swear word inserted here. I apparently continue to have the obligation and the opportunity to save lives if only I will keep going. So be it. But I hope it's worth the cost.

We operated on a child from Tadzhikistan, who came to us from another center that will remain nameless to protect the guilty. The parents SOLD THEIR HOUSE to pay for his first surgery at the other institution, and they nearly killed him. They at least had the conscience to send him on to us. We did his repair, undoing their strange cutting and pasting, and now he has a chance at a normal life.

I watched the re-do surgery and sat with the mother, who was understandably hysterical, as her son came from surgery to the ICU. I explained to her that the surgery went well, was perfectly normal, yet her son would look strange being under anaesthesia and with tubes sticking into him. We spoke in Russian, which was her second language and mine. Yet as mothers we communicated at a higher level. She trusted me since I too had children.

That's the good news. The bad news: there are people in the city where I work who are actively trying to shut down our program, which saves the lives of 350 children a year.

Why? To bring a trickle of federal money toward their own program, so they can have a small and weak program that kills more patients than they save. They want to expand their own program at the cost of killing ours.

Can you hear my response? Their inability to see beyond themselves is evil.

Yet at some level I am sympathetic. It is always hard to see beyond oneself, or beyond one's own organization. But in this case, for them to succeed, children will die. I WILL RESIST.

My alcohol counselor is unhappy. Better I should withdraw from this struggle and work on my own sanity. What is morally right here?

I have already decided to withdraw from the issue of war and peace between the United States and Iraq/Iran/et cetera, for the benefit aof my sanity. Must I leave my work of 10+ years as well?


egregious said...

What's on your mind?

Bustednuckles said...

I have to say egregious, you amaze me. You are one tough lady. Tough,with a heart of gold.I couldn't imagine what you go through. And that shit of some guy trying to get into your hotel room...... scary.
Do what you have to do honey. God has your back.

egregious said...


I feel safer knowing that YOU have my back.

I need support of all kinds. This counts more than you know.

Suzanne said...


here if and when needed.


Kevin Hayden said...

It's not always clear what our missions will be. My mother, at 82, is raising my late brother's teenage children. After my Dad passed, she floundered a bit, didn't want the task beyond 6 months, but it helped refocus her and (I suspect) gave her life renewed meaning.

Without someone near to love and some service to somebody - since she's a caretaker intuitively - I'm not sure she would have overcome her loss, or subsequent losses that followed.

You will, I bet, choose the necessary course. Sometimes (since I've done social work) that requires a psychic retreat to heal the healer. Such retreats never last, as there's always more lives at risk and always more that require extra attention.

Not all will be saved and we have to trust that life's chosen moments include proper moments to cease.

Trust your heart. Those of us who catch glimpses of it do, and for good reason. Folks who love you, even at a distance, would naturally wish you proper health, proper rest, and all the same good that you provide others.

So the moments you choose for your own renewals are just as vital as are the others you carry your missions to. Your life, too, is worth the extraordinary effort, worth the heroic rescue.

Do what you can and do what you must. It is not just the babies you save that adds value. You inspire thousands more (at least) to persist against long odds, to resist the uncaring, to remember that every life deserves extra attention.

You will inspire just as many to care for themselves when you take your retreats to take care of you.

Remember the old TV series 'Mission Impossible'? Only the tapes self-destructed. And the missions proved possible.

Do what you must. And never fear asking others for help when the bad guys are near.

egregious said...


I am humbled by your reply.

Thank you.

I shall give your comment much thought. Did I mention thank you?