I am not a spy

I live in America and work in Russia. This has created high anxiety among those responsible for intelligence and counter-intelligence in both countries.

I’ve been investigated up the wazoo by the services of both countries. If either the Russians or the Americans wanted anything from me, they've had eleven years to figure out who I am and what I'm doing over there.

Worst was in the mid 90’s when nobody could figure out who the hell I was. Single person repeatedly traveling to Russia, not on the American list—hence suspect, and not on the Russian list—hence suspect. Just a humanitarian, it took several years for them to get their minds wrapped around that strange fact.

Every time there was a new list revealed---Ames, Hansen---I wasn't on it. Probably made my minders ever more insane. What was I doing at this Russian hospital. Surely I wasn't simply a humanitarian? Out of the question.

I accepted that I would be investigated [to this day, most likely] by the Russians. Why am I there. Well, on their national tv I said I was working to save the lives of children in Russia because I am a Christian, like their Orthodox Christians. Could that be a sufficient explanation? Of course not.

So they follow me, listen to my phone conversations, and demand explanations from every taxi driver. The good news is I have brought a large number of Russian taxi drivers to realize that things can be better by a concerted investment in their children's hospital.

On the American side, I have been followed and probed by a minimum of three intelligence organizations. At first I was angry, then I realized it meant we were sufficiently large and effective to draw the attention of such agencies. If I worked with one of them I would be investigating this organization. So that led to peace of mind.

One agency in Maryland sent a very junior person who was quite sweet and who was horrified at being forced to report on my very obviously humanitarian work.

One agency in Virginia sent a senior team with a trap that they thought was very clever, to ascertain if I was for real, but their charade collapsed when I confronted them with the knowledge that I knew they were investigating me, and if they wanted to know what I was doing, they could call my three most recent ministers in the Presbyterian Church. That was pretty much the end of their investigation.

One agency in a place I won't identify to be merciful to the person assigned to my case, sent an agent to an international conference to follow me and question me and my colleagues. It was truly amateur hour. I was embarrassed for my government. He questioned me in detail but in return had no knowledge about the subject of the conference. DUH PEOPLE can't we do better than that? Then I observed him following me, so I abruptly turned around and he panicked and zipped off in a different direction. I was insulted that I didn't deserve a more subtle agent. Oh well, the price of serving the poor in another country. My motives will probably always be suspect.

I hope that the intelligence agencies on both sides of the Atlantic have had sufficient opportunity over the last eleven years to investigate me and find disappointing results: I am just a humanitarian, trying to save the lives of newborns, and trying to work for peace between two countries that have long been enemies. How very unhappy they must be, the people who have been assigned to investigate me over the years. I'm sorry! Hope you find some good stuff on your other cases.

All in all, this has been a great burden on me which just piles on to my usual bipolar manic-depression and ADHD and OCD. What's one more issue? But the strange thing is, as my mental health improves, I am increasingly unwilling to accept these indignities, border problems, customs issues, intelligence investigations. Russia is improving, but my mental health is improving faster. It is a dangerous disconnect. Lives are at stake. Better to be sick and accept all these indignities as only what I deserve.

Got a better solution to save thousands of lives? I'm all ears.

*******

Into the Breach? No thanks

I decided not to see the movie Breach for now, even tho it's filmed in my own town. Which of course means part of the story took place here as well.

When we heard the story some years ago it was shocking to realize the transactions of documents and money took place in our local park. The kids around here used to go over and do Creek Cleanups to make the environment better. It's not out of the question they could have thrown out one of those bags.

Being in the Libby trial courtroom last week was very interesting but also a little scary. Matters of war and peace, espionage, alleged treason, these are serious. I tend to get overstimulated even by normal events in life, so this day took a while to recover from.

So on the eve of the trial's closing statements, is this a good time to watch a spy movie based on a true story within one mile of my home?

Maybe some other time.

My world. Welcome.

For the record:

Not my world—I am a newbie wrt courtroom and mediaroom etiquette.

My world—if somebody tells you that you are being followed, don’t start looking around. Then they know that you know. Yay years of working in Russia, you kind of know when the hair on the back of yr neck stands up.

In Not My World I experience criticism about not knowing the dance steps. I think the funniest was observing everybody standing up in the courtroom at the lunch break. Within two seconds I realized this was an "ALL RISE" and I whooshed myself up off the bench.

Also apparently one is not supposed to say anything about other people in the media room. I think this is not talking about their conversations if that takes away from their ability to write a unique story, but perhaps it is beyond that and I still don't get it. Would not be the first time.

And finally, one does not speak to others in court. Guilty of being star struck. I have a policy of not bothering famous people that I encounter in real life. Apparently that works because there are so few people that impress me. Kind of imperial, yes? In this case I acted against my own policy. What can I say. I'm human.

I feel like a foreigner everywhere

Why I am so successful working in Russia is when I make my usual interpersonal and social mistakes they just chalk it up to my being a foreigner. Sometimes I feel like a foreigner everywhere.

Usually it’s safer for me to hide at home and not Talk With People™.

The fact that I was willing to come forth and work in public, attend fundraisers for Webb, etc, demonstrates my patriotic love for our country. It was hard.

I came out of my turtle shell to attend the Libby trial Tuesday, when Fitzgerald demolished Hannah with a couple of quick questions about Libby being So Busy On Matters Of Urgent Scary National Importance [and Scary Terrorist Threats!!!!], yet available for 1-2 hours with Judy Miller. Where they discussed nothing much. Except for outing an undercover CIA agent during time of war. One who was in charge of investigations regarding weapons of mass destruction for Iraq and Iran. Oh, well, no biggie.

May I say for the record, as the daughter of a city prosecutor, this was a dream come true, to watch the most important prosecutor of our time establishing his case, brick by brick.

One thing about our blogger trial coverage [in today's NYT!] is we have a lot of people working while wounded. Those of us who have faced serious illness are more willing to use our remaining energy and time on earth standing up to injustice. We recognize that our earthly life might be very short. Time’s awastin’, need to act. Burn the candle at both ends, hell, melt it down if that will save people.

I think I’m kind of a child prodigy in a grownup body. On an intellectual level things work well but when interacting with the world it seems overwhelming. I feel that I have made too many mistakes.

I've stopped eating again. Trying to make myself smaller. Shame attack. Long history of anorexia and eating disorders. I trust this will be temporary. Yes, meds, psychiatrist, friends, all that stuff. Sometimes my defensive perimeter is breached.

And so? I feel that I am on a journey of self-exploration where the outcome matters. In my two previous journeys I raised three children and started a charity that has saved the lives of 2,000 children. So need to take this new journey seriously. Is it mania to think you can save the world? The world needs us. I can save the world, unlike most people, but can I save myself?