Thursday, February 15, 2007

I feel like a foreigner everywhere

Why I am so successful working in Russia is when I make my usual interpersonal and social mistakes they just chalk it up to my being a foreigner. Sometimes I feel like a foreigner everywhere.

Usually it’s safer for me to hide at home and not Talk With People™.

The fact that I was willing to come forth and work in public, attend fundraisers for Webb, etc, demonstrates my patriotic love for our country. It was hard.

I came out of my turtle shell to attend the Libby trial Tuesday, when Fitzgerald demolished Hannah with a couple of quick questions about Libby being So Busy On Matters Of Urgent Scary National Importance [and Scary Terrorist Threats!!!!], yet available for 1-2 hours with Judy Miller. Where they discussed nothing much. Except for outing an undercover CIA agent during time of war. One who was in charge of investigations regarding weapons of mass destruction for Iraq and Iran. Oh, well, no biggie.

May I say for the record, as the daughter of a city prosecutor, this was a dream come true, to watch the most important prosecutor of our time establishing his case, brick by brick.

One thing about our blogger trial coverage [in today's NYT!] is we have a lot of people working while wounded. Those of us who have faced serious illness are more willing to use our remaining energy and time on earth standing up to injustice. We recognize that our earthly life might be very short. Time’s awastin’, need to act. Burn the candle at both ends, hell, melt it down if that will save people.

I think I’m kind of a child prodigy in a grownup body. On an intellectual level things work well but when interacting with the world it seems overwhelming. I feel that I have made too many mistakes.

I've stopped eating again. Trying to make myself smaller. Shame attack. Long history of anorexia and eating disorders. I trust this will be temporary. Yes, meds, psychiatrist, friends, all that stuff. Sometimes my defensive perimeter is breached.

And so? I feel that I am on a journey of self-exploration where the outcome matters. In my two previous journeys I raised three children and started a charity that has saved the lives of 2,000 children. So need to take this new journey seriously. Is it mania to think you can save the world? The world needs us. I can save the world, unlike most people, but can I save myself?

4 comments:

egregious said...

Support your local humanitarian.

egregious said...

You know what this reminds me of? Tommy yum's daughter, who is all over the emotions of having her younger brother go thru cancer treatment. She is big on saying, if you're sad why aren't you talking about it?????

Little one, I thank you for those many question marks. You are the future. We are blessed.

NZ Expat said...

Hey, egregious. Just back at the computer for a quick minute before some folks come in for dinner.

When my daughter was an infant, her inconsolable crying was only relieved by swaddling her in a flannel blanket and holding her tight, to remind her that there are boundaries to her swirly, intense world. I reminded her of that recently, urging her to get in bed when as overwhelmed as she was.

Sometimes that doesn't help stop the brain from swirling, sometimes it does. I think certain music helps her....Stabat Mater is one of those.

Okay, now, before I run around, I will pray for you today. May you feel the breath of God breathe slowly through you, releasing and relaxing you tonight and tomorrow.

egregious said...

NZ---

Thanks for that. I do experience the prayers of others as a great blessing. My work in Russia would be out of the question without them.

Temple Grandin created a contraption to gently increase pressure on her body, under her control, to make her feel safer. I have tried mini versions of that, sometimes a scarf around my waist or tucking a blanket in close makes me feel better.