Friday, April 23, 2010

Hold on my heart

So I'm in my new home. It is so beautiful. So quiet. No garbage trucks at 6am, no commuter traffic, no neighbors below and on the other side of the wall where I need to be careful not to make noise.

I pass the morning in peace without guarding against the noise of trucks, neighbor stereos, the apartment refrigerator 5 feet from where I work. I am on guard against these things and they are gone. I am waiting and on guard for what is next. My life has been taken from me. I feel robbed. I was in a good marriage and it fell. I thought I knew what I was doing and I didnt.

I do so well even brilliantly in my work. I've been at a high level in my string of careers. [Kids: this is chronological which is why you are third.] Music - Carnegie Hall. Medicine - Mass General Hospital. Children - they are so wonderful, the treasure of my life. Community - chairman of board of health. Church - board of elders. Public health - charity founder and president and saved 3000 lives, a number which to this day I can not wrap my head around.

That we saved the child from Chechnya I get. That we saved the baby airlifted from Dagestan I get. That we saved the patient with burns I get. But 3000 is beyond my ken.

Then to work with FDL - we are pushing the edge for human rights. End of torture as a national policy. Winding down the wars. Open government where people who speak their minds will be heard and not marginalized. Human rights for all. Covering the prop8 trial and in charge of our archives, it is history. Helping our authors make the case for foreclosure fraud. I seem to be able to do this work.

Where I fail utterly is in human relationships. I am at the level of a 7 year old. I seem clueless because I am clueless. I dont get it. I dont understand what other people understand. I have to ask for help in the most elementary ways and it is so humiliating. The disconnect between my intellect and my emotional intelligence is painful. I wanted this on the record so that people will understand what I have tried to do. God bless all who have extended mercy to me as I struggle.


newtonusr said...

Don't stop.

Suzanne said...

life is a series of lessons learned -- the hardest lesson to learn is to not expect perfection from oneself.

cbl said...

egy - you are not clueless, no I'm not trying to buck you up. but I'm willing to bet you are just 'clued in' differently than how you see the majority 'clued in.'


Christy Hardin Smith said...

Awww, honey, the people who seem like they don't suck at human relationships are really just better at faking past their insecurities. We all feel like we suck at them. Truly.

And you are such a wonderful, gentle, loving and kind person. If someone doesn't see that in you? Then, personally, I think the flaw is in them...not you.

Hugs, hon. Call me if you need to chat.

cynthia kouril said...

Eg, I know from personal expereince, that you do not suck at relationships.You have been a wonderful friend to me.

ANd PLEASE stop defining yourself by men. There is so much more to life than mere marriage.

Look at this thise way, unconstrained by the daily demands of tending to a man, you are free to excel at being YOU. Which is exactly what you ARE doing, excelling at being you.