I am not a spy

I live in America and work in Russia. This has created high anxiety among those responsible for intelligence and counter-intelligence in both countries.

I’ve been investigated up the wazoo by the services of both countries. If either the Russians or the Americans wanted anything from me, they've had eleven years to figure out who I am and what I'm doing over there.

Worst was in the mid 90’s when nobody could figure out who the hell I was. Single person repeatedly traveling to Russia, not on the American list—hence suspect, and not on the Russian list—hence suspect. Just a humanitarian, it took several years for them to get their minds wrapped around that strange fact.

Every time there was a new list revealed---Ames, Hansen---I wasn't on it. Probably made my minders ever more insane. What was I doing at this Russian hospital. Surely I wasn't simply a humanitarian? Out of the question.

I accepted that I would be investigated [to this day, most likely] by the Russians. Why am I there. Well, on their national tv I said I was working to save the lives of children in Russia because I am a Christian, like their Orthodox Christians. Could that be a sufficient explanation? Of course not.

So they follow me, listen to my phone conversations, and demand explanations from every taxi driver. The good news is I have brought a large number of Russian taxi drivers to realize that things can be better by a concerted investment in their children's hospital.

On the American side, I have been followed and probed by a minimum of three intelligence organizations. At first I was angry, then I realized it meant we were sufficiently large and effective to draw the attention of such agencies. If I worked with one of them I would be investigating this organization. So that led to peace of mind.

One agency in Maryland sent a very junior person who was quite sweet and who was horrified at being forced to report on my very obviously humanitarian work.

One agency in Virginia sent a senior team with a trap that they thought was very clever, to ascertain if I was for real, but their charade collapsed when I confronted them with the knowledge that I knew they were investigating me, and if they wanted to know what I was doing, they could call my three most recent ministers in the Presbyterian Church. That was pretty much the end of their investigation.

One agency in a place I won't identify to be merciful to the person assigned to my case, sent an agent to an international conference to follow me and question me and my colleagues. It was truly amateur hour. I was embarrassed for my government. He questioned me in detail but in return had no knowledge about the subject of the conference. DUH PEOPLE can't we do better than that? Then I observed him following me, so I abruptly turned around and he panicked and zipped off in a different direction. I was insulted that I didn't deserve a more subtle agent. Oh well, the price of serving the poor in another country. My motives will probably always be suspect.

I hope that the intelligence agencies on both sides of the Atlantic have had sufficient opportunity over the last eleven years to investigate me and find disappointing results: I am just a humanitarian, trying to save the lives of newborns, and trying to work for peace between two countries that have long been enemies. How very unhappy they must be, the people who have been assigned to investigate me over the years. I'm sorry! Hope you find some good stuff on your other cases.

All in all, this has been a great burden on me which just piles on to my usual bipolar manic-depression and ADHD and OCD. What's one more issue? But the strange thing is, as my mental health improves, I am increasingly unwilling to accept these indignities, border problems, customs issues, intelligence investigations. Russia is improving, but my mental health is improving faster. It is a dangerous disconnect. Lives are at stake. Better to be sick and accept all these indignities as only what I deserve.

Got a better solution to save thousands of lives? I'm all ears.

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Sabbatical: we all need time off

I am taking some time off to rest. I am exhausted from the trial, and quite honestly, still wiped out from the elections. I need to rest. It's not forever but I need to not do this for a while. But who knows, being bipolar, I'm sufficiently volatile that "a while" might only be a short time.

Looking around pretty much everybody who was involved with the trial is beyond operating on fumes and close to the edge. We have given our all and everyone now needs a rest.

The heading on this blog: "Lead. Follow. Support. Teach. Learn." I don't see any permission there to rest and reflect. Maybe that's part of the learning, or providing one's own support.

Thanks for your love, support, and much needed prayers for everyone involved with Plamehouse.

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Dreams of the future

Talking with one of my children about the future. It makes all those years of peanut butter sandwiches and carpools worth it. Don't ask me about the teenage arguments :)

What they want to do in the future...so many possibilities. Addressing egregious social problems, raising children, making money to provide for a comfortable life, trying to make the world better for the future. How to make all goals work out.

I have to look back with some satisfaction that I have already made these decisions, and for me they worked out. I did have ferrari children [don't ask me about their bipolar/teenage crises], I did make enough money to have a comfortable living, and I have had the privilege to address larger issues i.e. saving the lives of children in Russia while working for peace there.

Making things better here in the US? Slow going. Molasses. Donating/killing brain cells thru alcoholic madness. What the bloody hell---literally---ARE we doing in Iraq/Iran. Are we the Matrix, carrying out the will of another country? I hope I'm wrong.

There are terrorist threats from Iraq and Iran, yes, but for others, not for the United States. What does it mean, "existential threat." I am more sympathetic to that than you might imagine, being depressed, I am all over existential threats. But how does that translate into sending our young men and women into battle?