Dire Straits

crossposted at firedoglake 22 september 2007



What a week! We are in dire straits indeed.

Our Congress---that we sacrificed so much for to elect in '06---speaks out boldly on habeas Iraq censuring freedom of speech. Bush says Hussein killed Mandela and Return on Success means it's the troops' own damn fault that we can't bring them home.

But it's not all storm clouds. The stupendous outpouring of support for the Jena 6, reported for FDL by Ben Chaneles, showed the nation and the world we will not suffer injustice silently. There was significant pushback against Blackwater in Iraq. Looseheadprop approves the judge who is up for Attorney General to replace the odious Gonzo.

And things are good at FDL. Look out world: Jane is BACK and taking names. Christy organized massive call-ins for habeas and for the Webb amendment. Senator Gary Hart came to listen to us about a range of concerns.

Let's celebrate having the A team here: TRex, Pach, Siun, Howie's continuing success with BlueAmerica, Phoenix Woman, Teddy, Eli, Tula's series on labor, Donita, Ian, Swopa, Thers, Peterr, and RJ Eskow to name just a few of our talented folks. Several commenters noted that Scarecrow has been absolutely on fire this week. A shoutout to the backstage folks that keep things going smoothly for us. Our community continues to learn how to treat each other with kindness as we head into battle again and again.

We are in this for the long haul---marathon not sprint. It's easy to see the obstacles and the dangers, but let's also take time to celebrate how far we've come and the amazing community we are becoming. Leave the Fired O'Glake by the door for the morning battle, for tonight we dance!

*******

My brother's birth and death day

May 29, 1950, my brother's birth day. And his death day. He lived to be 3 hours. In those days they took the baby away from the mother immediately, she never got to hold him, and she never knew what happened to him. I found where he was buried and got his death certificate decades later. This is a child who was born alive who was simply taken away. But he shaped my destiny.

Surely my work at the St. Petersburg Children's Hospital has multiple reasons for its existence. I was raised as a Christian to "love your enemies" and no one could be more our enemy than the Soviet Union, whose stated goal was that they would bury us. We thought there would be World War III and that few would survive.

And when I talk about love, here is what I mean. When my Dad was a child he wrote a letter to Santa that was printed in the Middletown [Ohio] Journal:

"I am six years old and live at 604 Mary Etta street. You may fill my stocking if you have anything left after you visit the little boys and girls who do not have toys."

This is the definition of love in our family. Dad would give you the grocery money and not think twice. Mother would guide us to do the right thing despite obstacles. Ha! As the oldest in this family I was doomed to be a humanitarian.

Was it my choice? Totally. But the energy pushing me toward this goal was intense. Do something high, something important, something meaningful, something of high moral standards. No pressure. And the sacrifice of my personal, physical, emotional life? No problem. I feel fortunate that I penciled in time to get married and have children. That worked out well. But the guilt remains. How much time for which goals.

So now my lovely children have grown up and are doing wonderful things of their own. I have created a program that has directly saved the lives of 3,000+ children. Is it enough? Dear God I hope so but fear it is not. Do I have enough left in me to go one more round?

And I am not even counting my involvement in things political in order to keep our nation from descending into totalitarianism. I spend much of my time these days working behind the scenes here in Washington to help save what's left of our nation from tyranny. I argue with very intelligent people who don't yet see the danger about what has happened and what can happen. The Republicans in government now have gone too far. Can we keep them from taking control of the elections, of what's left of the Justice Department, I would go on but I'm crying.

GOD HELP US

egregious family advances science

Ach.

I'm so proud of my family I don't know which to publish first. We will start with my nephew who is part of the CERN experiment in Geneva, on the front page of today's science section of the New York Times. He is likely missing an urgent family gathering in order to participate in this unique experiment, and I hope all will forgive him. This is history in the making. Godspeed [little joke about particle physics, and their speed]. Yo Alan!!

Only in this light can my cousin being featured in an article in The New Yorker come in second place. Did I mention we are a science and engineering family? My cousin is an expert on the Great Wall, which turns out to be a line not a wall, do I have that right David?

My own humble observation relates to my congenital surgery work in Russia. I have not posted much in the last few weeks because of being in Russia, trip #30, then recovering, then attending back to back conferences on congenital and thoracic surgery. Ho hum such a boring life :)

On my way home from that torture that is individual training at the gym, I saw an ambulance with siren and lights on stuck in traffic. Immediate impulse was to calculate how to eliminate the obstacles. It struck me, that's exactly what I do in Russia. Figure out what are the obstacles to saving more lives, and slash thru them. By the fired o'glake if necessary.

During this aha moment the song on my radio was Josh Groban, a beautiful addition to any moment, but it seemed to describe how I am trying to support the surgeons working in St. Petersburg:

"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

"You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

"There is no life, no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But then you come, and I am filled with wonder;
Sometimes I think, I glimpse eternity."

*******

My cousin looking back over the millenia,
my nephew sacrificing something very dear
to come close to the mysteries of eternity.

Me, I'm just trying to wrap up the Cold War,
bring a great city and a rising nation
back into the fold of civilized countries.
It's only been, what, 100 years?

Psalm 90/Isaac Watts:
"A thousand ages in Thy sight
Are like an evening gone
Short as the watch the ends the night
Before the rising dawn."

*******

To save the nation. But which one.

My most recent trip, #30 to St. Petersburg, was for the purpose of seeing the installation of $1,000,000 of monitors and newborn respirators in the ICU. Equipment which could have saved the life of my brother who died at age 3 hours.

We were supposed to have a ceremony with the governor, but I guess this didn't rise to the level of importance. We have decreased the level of infant mortality by half a percent by this program, but maybe that's not important to the powers that be. Altho I do read in the newspapers that they are concerned about their demography, where people are dying much faster than can be replaced. Probably saving the lives of infants doesn't figure in. Ah well.

The larger victory is we have encouraged the city government to begin to become interested in the survival of its own newborns. Those of us who are mothers instinctively get why this is urgent, for bureaucrats it takes a bit longer.

This victory is at some cost to the management. Mental health is most likely overrated. Hope it's worth it. [Good thing everything is calm and fine in my native country, that for example democracy and indeed the entire Constitutional government thingie is not at stake.] I've been doing this now for 11 years and estimate that my work has saved 3,000 lives.

I simply cannot grok this number and care to consider the children one at a time. We had an unusual case where the father was a cabinet minister in an Asian -stan where the nation was in civil unrest, we advanced the surgery in order to help their country. The first example I am aware of where we promoted a child above others for non-medical reasons [obviously excluding emergencies].

Life and death in Russia

You would think I am talking about the death today of former President Yeltsin. That would be wrong.

I am interested in the tens of thousands of newborns who will die this year because of lack of investment in neonatal congenital surgeons and the requisite ICU's.

Once I read someone trying to calm people down by saying If a baby dies in Russia does it matter? Well, actually, yes it does, very much. If this child dies from a congenital defect which is treatable by surgery, it matters very much indeed.

I have worked for the past eleven years to provide millions of dollars of supplies and equipment for the purpose of saving newborns who are born with a heart defect. Very often a simple surgery can save their little lives. It breaks my heart that those who have money do not choose to invest in their own newborns. They are beginning to, perhaps that must be enough.

We have new equipment from the city worth $1,000,000 for the ICU which is a miracle. And it would take another miracle for the city to acknowledge that human beings must take care of these newborns during and after surgery.

Russians are very big on new buildings and new equipment, with perhaps not such great followup with regard to staff and ongoing expenses. New buildings and equipment are very glamorous and if I may add an opportunity for some people to earn a percentage of the contract. Ongoing expenses for ICU nurses and surgeons are not glamorous but are yet essential.

It should be embarrassing to them that people from another country are buying suture thread for the hearts of their newborns. It should be embarrassing that we provide groceries for nurses and doctors who are paid starvation wages. I can hardly believe that professionals are willing to work under these conditions.

My reward, to see a month old girl recover from near death, day by day, and finally be discharged from the ICU. Thank you God! If I have had any small part in this I am grateful and humble.

Another curious story is our patient whose father is a cabinet minister in a country which I may not reveal, where there is civil unrest. He urged us to go ahead with the surgery for his child, so that he could return to his country and help with the political situation. We almost never interrupt the surgical schedule for anything non-medical, but this was quite compelling.

Nearly every time I go over there I am tempted to quit as the obstacles are just ridiculous. Then I look into the eyes of a tiny patient, or the hysterical mother or father, and feel that I do not have the luxury to quit. What if it would be my child? They need me and the help that our organization can provide. I must go on, what choice do I have?

Hey from Russia

Written Easter Sunday

Hey from Russia. I was sitting at the window looking at two white horses and a carriage in the light April snow, enjoying my beef stroganoff and wifi, when the wifi went poof. I suppose all dreams must end at some point. But the horses are really cool.

We work tomorrow. Hope you guys had/are having a glorious Easter. Christianity is under assault not least from wingers that have a very odd interpretation of love your neighbor. Am trying to do the peacemaker thingie and it’s tough going. I feel I was called by God at an early age to do this work, and trust that He knows what He is doing.

The beauty of being mentally ill [not the phrase you hear every day] is that when regular life is difficult, you might as well do something really hard, because it’s not much different.

*******

Best friend moving: no April Fools

Stunned to learn that my best friend for many years will be moving to Chicago within the year. Excuse me, but no. It might very well be what is best for her and her family, but it is breaking my heart.

This friend has worked with me from the beginning 11 years ago to support our Russian children's hospital work. When I was considering who I wanted on my new board of directors, she was the first one. She has helped in myriad ways and has come over weekly to help support our work.

Support takes a variety of forms. In theory it is envelope stuffing, however the deeper work is listening to the president rant about the ridiculous, unfair, and evil obstacles to our work in Russia. She has endured a great many of these rants over the course of my thirty trips to St. Petersburg. How shall I prepare for future trips without this feedback?

We met thru our daughters' music and bonded over their teenage difficulties. We found out rather late in the game that both of us are amateur genealogists, active in her case and rather lapsed in my case after writing up 150 pages when the girls were little.

They moved to Hawai'i just at the time when things were becoming chaotic and intense with our work, when we were building a new ICU and planning a new operating room suite. I didn't realize how much I had depended on her for home baked goods and other symbolic forms of pre-trip support until she was away for two years. Hope the military appreciates what I gave up in the interim.

Now it seems I must prepare to lose her to the wider world again. There had better be planes between Washington and Chicago, that's all I can say. Email is good, phone calls are good, but there is nothing quite like the raised eyebrow in support of one's latest rant to feel that things will be all right, because my friend understands.

I am not a spy

I live in America and work in Russia. This has created high anxiety among those responsible for intelligence and counter-intelligence in both countries.

I’ve been investigated up the wazoo by the services of both countries. If either the Russians or the Americans wanted anything from me, they've had eleven years to figure out who I am and what I'm doing over there.

Worst was in the mid 90’s when nobody could figure out who the hell I was. Single person repeatedly traveling to Russia, not on the American list—hence suspect, and not on the Russian list—hence suspect. Just a humanitarian, it took several years for them to get their minds wrapped around that strange fact.

Every time there was a new list revealed---Ames, Hansen---I wasn't on it. Probably made my minders ever more insane. What was I doing at this Russian hospital. Surely I wasn't simply a humanitarian? Out of the question.

I accepted that I would be investigated [to this day, most likely] by the Russians. Why am I there. Well, on their national tv I said I was working to save the lives of children in Russia because I am a Christian, like their Orthodox Christians. Could that be a sufficient explanation? Of course not.

So they follow me, listen to my phone conversations, and demand explanations from every taxi driver. The good news is I have brought a large number of Russian taxi drivers to realize that things can be better by a concerted investment in their children's hospital.

On the American side, I have been followed and probed by a minimum of three intelligence organizations. At first I was angry, then I realized it meant we were sufficiently large and effective to draw the attention of such agencies. If I worked with one of them I would be investigating this organization. So that led to peace of mind.

One agency in Maryland sent a very junior person who was quite sweet and who was horrified at being forced to report on my very obviously humanitarian work.

One agency in Virginia sent a senior team with a trap that they thought was very clever, to ascertain if I was for real, but their charade collapsed when I confronted them with the knowledge that I knew they were investigating me, and if they wanted to know what I was doing, they could call my three most recent ministers in the Presbyterian Church. That was pretty much the end of their investigation.

One agency in a place I won't identify to be merciful to the person assigned to my case, sent an agent to an international conference to follow me and question me and my colleagues. It was truly amateur hour. I was embarrassed for my government. He questioned me in detail but in return had no knowledge about the subject of the conference. DUH PEOPLE can't we do better than that? Then I observed him following me, so I abruptly turned around and he panicked and zipped off in a different direction. I was insulted that I didn't deserve a more subtle agent. Oh well, the price of serving the poor in another country. My motives will probably always be suspect.

I hope that the intelligence agencies on both sides of the Atlantic have had sufficient opportunity over the last eleven years to investigate me and find disappointing results: I am just a humanitarian, trying to save the lives of newborns, and trying to work for peace between two countries that have long been enemies. How very unhappy they must be, the people who have been assigned to investigate me over the years. I'm sorry! Hope you find some good stuff on your other cases.

All in all, this has been a great burden on me which just piles on to my usual bipolar manic-depression and ADHD and OCD. What's one more issue? But the strange thing is, as my mental health improves, I am increasingly unwilling to accept these indignities, border problems, customs issues, intelligence investigations. Russia is improving, but my mental health is improving faster. It is a dangerous disconnect. Lives are at stake. Better to be sick and accept all these indignities as only what I deserve.

Got a better solution to save thousands of lives? I'm all ears.

*******

Being brave

Well that was a short rest. I am congenitally unsuited for mental inactivity. If only that would extend to my exercise program....

I am thinking about small steps, about being brave and facing various obstacles, excuse me, various possible alternatives. Rather than blustering my way thru, which is the normal approach and the fastest, I am experimenting with trying to discover the dimensions of these intervening factors.

And speaking of dimensions, yesterday I took the plunge and got out the flexible tape measure for spring clothes buying. Sigh. Those numbers happen every year, I don't know why it's such a stunning surprise each time. But I set aside the entire day for shopping if necessary, to get things going.

I prefer to shop online, try things on in a quiet safe place, and then return the extras. In the middle of shopping, I called my credit card people and got a woman who said she does exactly the same, because she has a toddler. We had a pleasant chat about the horrors of noisy and crowded stores. Now see, if I hadn't faced that tape measure, I wouldn't have found a fellow store avoider.

Then the program to fit those lovely clothes involved getting out the door into the cold weather for a forest sanity walk. But it's cold! I like my couch. Fine. Out the door. Once I get going it's fine. I read somewhere that people with adhd have difficulty with transitions, that sounds right on the money.

I finished wrestling the previous day's computer problems with a victory. That took some courage, and some perseverence. My motivation is either on high or off. It's hard to find motivation for something in between, so this was a real victory.

The wellbutrin that I'm on does help with motivation, that moment of thinking about doing something interesting and actually beginning it. If that doesn't work then I just force myself, but after all these years I am becoming disenchanted with that as a reason to do things.

It's a great luxury to work independently and have the time to figure out how to do things right. It will be a great experiment.

People will help you

If you hear a loud wailing noise, that's probably the echo of me screaming about evil computers. I have spent the day and the better part of my patience trying to download some new virus protection software. As a public health person the concept of virus protection appeals to me in principle.

The frustration is my ignorance and my lack of patience. Trying to be a good little Jedi Knight.

And several people have tried to help me including the people at the aforementioned software site. [Shez...you're on my list for tomorrow if I can't get make this work.]

I have tried to be open about what I don't know, in order to learn. That's gotta be a good thing, right? And people have been very generous with their time and patience trying to lead me step by step in order to meet my goals.

Interrupted this vain pursuit to go to the bank and wire several thousand dollars to Russia for our children's hospital. This lovely bank once RE-OPENED THE NATIONAL WIRE TRANSFER CAPABILITY because they had made a mistake and I urgently needed funds to get to Russia. Talk about service. People will help you if they know -why- it's important.

Am trying to be philosophical and view conquering difficulties as one of my gifts to the children of Russia. Sometimes this works. The problem one encounters is not simply what's blocking one's destined path; it becomes the next step in one's path. Or so I can think when I'm not screaming.

I am giving more thought to the process of shoving obstacles out of the way. I imagine egDau the younger pushing those giant sets off stage in between acts of the play.

In Dr. Gridlock [great name for a traffic column] today in the W.Post he talks about removing traffic obstacles, one at a time. This is my philsophy in general, One Catastrophe at a Time.

In principle, this works. In practice, it leaves me screaming with frustration. Rather like Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut's concept: In theory, there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

*******

Not "Stuck" --- Evaluating available options

While we are on the edge of our seats waiting for the Libby verdicts, we observe that the jury seems to be held up on some issues. What is reasonable doubt? Must the government prove it was not "humanly possible" for Libby to forget? [Answer----arrrgh/RTFM]

We all encouter obstacles in our daily lives. This afternoon a tree fell across my driveway, blocking any further progress. This morning, a metaphorical tree fell across my progress with the Russian hospital work. It's been quite the time of surprise and anger, followed by cursing and general anxiety and depression. The usual meltdown. This is part of my job description I guess.

No wonder we can't find a successor. No one in their right mind would do this work, and mentally ill people do not customarily make it thru 8 years of college and go work in another country.

This was not a good day to have computer troubles thrown onto the pyre. Rains => pours. Don't they know, One Catastrophe at a Time™. OH YAY! I can't find my little trademark sign due to eponymous computer problems. Use your imagination here. YAY!! Success! Blast those obstacles!!!

When I am doing puzzles, which thankfully have no emotional content [tho I could make an exception for crosswords, since words remind us of things], I work carefully around obstacles. I never say I am "stuck." It sounds like surrender. Rather I say I am evaluating available options.

Sark said of me, without ever meeting me, that I am a "surrendering soul." This is right on so many levels. She also said eldest egDau was "exuberant" before ever meeting her. This woman has the Sight indeed.

In between crying jags I've been evaluating a whole lot of available options. This always has the same ending: a realization that I don't have the answers today, and pray to God that something brilliant will occur to me in the future.

Stepping out on faith? Hell, I'm rollarskating on faith. Hope God knows what I'm doing, because I've lost track.

*******

Dialing it back a little

Have been blogging less because of the need to rest and de-stress. That whole re creation thingie.

One amusing item, we found out why Mom's phone wouldn't work overseas. We called [name of phone company omitted to protect the guilty] to say it wasn't working for certain foreign calls, and their response was to turn off all of her international service just as she was leaving for Europe. Which they knew, since that was the point of the call. In fact that was the point of getting this particular phone.

I spent hours trying to get this straightened out, and my brother is doing the same, from France. I have to wonder if we are simply over-engineering the situation. There are bypass solutions [everything is surgery for me you know]. She could ditch this phone and get another one that will work in France. We could say that she doesn't really need a phone since my brother will be staying at the same hotel. But I think we are programmed genetically to take pleasure in coming up with the optimal solution. Bunch of engineers and scientists and lawyers.

A colleague and I once spent a half hour researching ever more clever ways to get from the city center to the airport. That was strictly for fun, but keeping the mind sharp for real problems in the future.

So when I say dialing it back a little, I guess that doesn't include the time with the phone company.

I quit. Again.

why shdnt i just quit. they destroy my suitcase with supplies for THEIR newborns. they try to close our surgical unit because they see we are successful. strange people follow me. i hate this.

for some reason God asks me to work here. door is triple locked and my local contact will guard. but this is typical.

as my mental health improves i become less tolerant of indignities. as on my egrBlog profile i am perfect for this work being mentally ill because no one in their right mind wd do this.

i will wake up tomorrow, pick up my fired o’glake, and engage in battle once again. the 2 week old baby with transposition. blood from heart doesnt reach lungs for required oxygen. i find myself in surprising sympathy w this. need some oxygen myself.

thx for firedoglake love, i’ll be ok always have before just not so public except for last summer. apprec yr prayers. f*cking country.

What's on your other hemisphere?

What's on your mind, is generally my question. But I figure from Russia I'll ask what's on your other hemisphere.

We are in negotiations with the city to develop a tissue bank. That would allow us, and others, to have pediatric heart valves available in general and especially for emergencies. Why does this matter? For girls, with a human valve she will be able to have children; with an artificial valve, not possible because of the drugs needed to prevent rejection.

Just saw the new anatomy textbook produced by the local medical society, containing a chapter on congenital heart operations by our chief surgeon. Russia once was a world leader in cardiology, then fell when the money stopped. They lost a generation of momentum. We're trying to keep it from being yet another generation before they get back on their feet scientifically.

Have been here 29 times so much is familiar. But this time couldn't stay in my regular hotel, and this one is nice but unfamiliar. I'm such a baby! Oh wait, that's the patients.

Tomorrow we operate to correct a previous surgery done by another institution, that will remain nameless to protect the guilty.

And speaking of guilty, there is going to be an investigation of why certain materials are not reaching the hospital. Three guesses. Ooops, you only needed one? Very good.

I'm not talking here about the things that were wrecked somewhere between the airplane and the other side of customs, which made me almost quit for real this time, but the broader issue involving more people. To which I say, about f*cking time Godspeed.

I can't quit. I think about quitting every couple of months. This work would not be so easy for a normal person and I am mentally ill. But I realize I can't quit. Who would fill my shoes? And why would I want anyone else in my shoes :)

Gradually the government is taking up the reins, and reining in those who need it, and beginning to accept responsibility for saving the lives of their own newborns. Yay for that. In the meantime I will do what I can to keep these little ones alive.

My brother died at age 3 hours, and the tsunami of grief created then still haunted the family a year later when I was born. His loss has always been part of my story. Fair or not, that is how I'm wired. Might as well take advantage of that, and try to help others.

On the way to having my three angelic children I had 8 miscarriages. So I know a little bit about loss.

What's on my other hemisphere? Babies who live.

Hey from Russia

Good evening/morning, take your pick depending which hemisphere you're in. Does funny things to one's sense of time to travel to the other side of the world.

Am here for my charity, in support of congenital heart surgery at the children's hospital. Most of my supplies got here intact, and the rest I will try to forget about as it's bad for my blood pressure. For the record, people who wreck humanitarian supplies for children are kinda low on my list.

Did I ever mention that I am not fond of international borders? Think how much the U.S. economy has grown because we do not stop people traveling from one state to another and demand their documents. Wouldn't really free travel be great?

Speaking of being depressed, we are still open for business with Mental Illness Open House.

What's on your mind?