I need to do fewer things better. My sister Marilyn says the crises just have to line up, then she can handle them.
WHAT NEXT. The urgent question.
People with OCD, that wd be me, spend a lot of time thinking about SEQUENCE, what is the proper order to do things. I so get why people with more severe OCD, mine is mild, why they go into these routines of whatever, handwashing, necessity to touch or do things in a particular order, it makes them feel calm and in control at last. The poor angels!
What next can be a terrifying question. If you choose wrong, there could be terrible consequences. This is not only in families with alcoholic or rage-aholic people, yet it is understandable that where there are such people, it is painful for their family members. They are in anguish. They lash out, sometimes in ways that hurt other people. The vicious cycle continues. Hurt people hurt other people. Some of us, me included, spend an enormous amount of energy trying not to hurt other people. Turning the other cheek is giving me whiplash. Dear God I hope they get the meds right soon.
For people with OCD, they find whatever answers they can. Even if it looks abnormal from the outside.
I raise a toast to my fellow people with OCD. Maybe we're Presbyterians in spirit---"decently and in order" or Germans, who understand instinctively that there IS one optimal solution to a problem and one MUST do it that way. I'm half Presbyterian and half German. Doomed.
I see that this tendency leads to tenacity when it is important. I also observe in myself and others how it can go so wrong.
The world needs us, and our persistence and focus, but reviles those of us who have this trait in spades. Unfair.
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And for you, what's next?
You know you're spending a lot of time on blogs when you look at a clock and ask yourself, I wonder what the time stamp is :)
I am experiencing spiritual attack. Not for the first time. Today there was a new contributor to the Russian fund. Do they know how much good this accomplished.
You said, over at the Lake, "I am wandering my halls rather teary-eyed thinking about all the mistakes I made during my court time, and feared this was just one more. I didn't represent myself as being from anywhere, just said thank you."
And I said, but it was EPU'd and I wanted to make sure you saw it, "'Gregious! I cannot imagine one single thing that your sweet and sincere self could do that would be a 'mistake'. You are being 100% egregious, 7/24, and that's never a mistake. {{{{{{{ trust yourself, honey }}}}}}}}} You may be unorthodox, but you're usually right, no?"
Blessings upon your head and let them permeate your soul for writing this, egregious. I so needed to read this today. You are the voice from inside the torment making it clear to me. Why was my daughter near paralyzed that the teacher that wanted to see her was in his other office several buildings away, not in the office on her normal route, and if she went to see him in that other office, everything else would be thrown off? It makes its own kind of sense after reading this.
I have a friend who has a seriously autistic son. At first I thought she was so deadpan that she was troubled, but I learned that she had trained herself not to show her emotions to him, as he could spiral out of control in reaction to her. I try not to be an emotional interference in my daughter's life, but a calm and comfortable harbor. (And also not to talk to her about anything of substance after 9pm. Late evening problems often diminish with sleep and she can deal in the morning!)
And I can't be the one to intervene.
I have to preserve what's left of me. Lesson learned, yay years and $$$$ of psychiatry.
Just for you guys I am having a couple of crackers.
Little southern white humor.
Not even reading fdl trial blogging that's how far gone. I assume I will feel better tomorrow. God willing.
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