Why I am so successful working in Russia is when I make my usual interpersonal and social mistakes they just chalk it up to my being a foreigner. Sometimes I feel like a foreigner everywhere.
Usually it’s safer for me to hide at home and not Talk With People™.
The fact that I was willing to come forth and work in public, attend fundraisers for Webb, etc, demonstrates my patriotic love for our country. It was hard.
I came out of my turtle shell to attend the Libby trial Tuesday, when Fitzgerald demolished Hannah with a couple of quick questions about Libby being So Busy On Matters Of Urgent Scary National Importance [and Scary Terrorist Threats!!!!], yet available for 1-2 hours with Judy Miller. Where they discussed nothing much. Except for outing an undercover CIA agent during time of war. One who was in charge of investigations regarding weapons of mass destruction for Iraq and Iran. Oh, well, no biggie.
May I say for the record, as the daughter of a city prosecutor, this was a dream come true, to watch the most important prosecutor of our time establishing his case, brick by brick.
One thing about our blogger trial coverage [in today's NYT!] is we have a lot of people working while wounded. Those of us who have faced serious illness are more willing to use our remaining energy and time on earth standing up to injustice. We recognize that our earthly life might be very short. Time’s awastin’, need to act. Burn the candle at both ends, hell, melt it down if that will save people.
I think I’m kind of a child prodigy in a grownup body. On an intellectual level things work well but when interacting with the world it seems overwhelming. I feel that I have made too many mistakes.
I've stopped eating again. Trying to make myself smaller. Shame attack. Long history of anorexia and eating disorders. I trust this will be temporary. Yes, meds, psychiatrist, friends, all that stuff. Sometimes my defensive perimeter is breached.
And so? I feel that I am on a journey of self-exploration where the outcome matters. In my two previous journeys I raised three children and started a charity that has saved the lives of 2,000 children. So need to take this new journey seriously. Is it mania to think you can save the world? The world needs us. I can save the world, unlike most people, but can I save myself?
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
One catastrophe at a time
I need to do fewer things better. My sister Marilyn says the crises just have to line up, then she can handle them.
WHAT NEXT. The urgent question.
People with OCD, that wd be me, spend a lot of time thinking about SEQUENCE, what is the proper order to do things. I so get why people with more severe OCD, mine is mild, why they go into these routines of whatever, handwashing, necessity to touch or do things in a particular order, it makes them feel calm and in control at last. The poor angels!
What next can be a terrifying question. If you choose wrong, there could be terrible consequences. This is not only in families with alcoholic or rage-aholic people, yet it is understandable that where there are such people, it is painful for their family members. They are in anguish. They lash out, sometimes in ways that hurt other people. The vicious cycle continues. Hurt people hurt other people. Some of us, me included, spend an enormous amount of energy trying not to hurt other people. Turning the other cheek is giving me whiplash. Dear God I hope they get the meds right soon.
For people with OCD, they find whatever answers they can. Even if it looks abnormal from the outside.
I raise a toast to my fellow people with OCD. Maybe we're Presbyterians in spirit---"decently and in order" or Germans, who understand instinctively that there IS one optimal solution to a problem and one MUST do it that way. I'm half Presbyterian and half German. Doomed.
I see that this tendency leads to tenacity when it is important. I also observe in myself and others how it can go so wrong.
The world needs us, and our persistence and focus, but reviles those of us who have this trait in spades. Unfair.
WHAT NEXT. The urgent question.
People with OCD, that wd be me, spend a lot of time thinking about SEQUENCE, what is the proper order to do things. I so get why people with more severe OCD, mine is mild, why they go into these routines of whatever, handwashing, necessity to touch or do things in a particular order, it makes them feel calm and in control at last. The poor angels!
What next can be a terrifying question. If you choose wrong, there could be terrible consequences. This is not only in families with alcoholic or rage-aholic people, yet it is understandable that where there are such people, it is painful for their family members. They are in anguish. They lash out, sometimes in ways that hurt other people. The vicious cycle continues. Hurt people hurt other people. Some of us, me included, spend an enormous amount of energy trying not to hurt other people. Turning the other cheek is giving me whiplash. Dear God I hope they get the meds right soon.
For people with OCD, they find whatever answers they can. Even if it looks abnormal from the outside.
I raise a toast to my fellow people with OCD. Maybe we're Presbyterians in spirit---"decently and in order" or Germans, who understand instinctively that there IS one optimal solution to a problem and one MUST do it that way. I'm half Presbyterian and half German. Doomed.
I see that this tendency leads to tenacity when it is important. I also observe in myself and others how it can go so wrong.
The world needs us, and our persistence and focus, but reviles those of us who have this trait in spades. Unfair.
St. Patrick's Day
What? You say it's St. Valentine's Day? I will call it whatever I want. The Catholic Church says Valentine isn't a real saint anyway.
So at the moment I'm pacing the floor waiting to see if there will be court today. Do you suppose that's why they call the documents the Pacer system? High-strung people trying to calm down long enough to get the facts onto paper.
To amuse and calm myself I'm looking at the slogans on my coffee mugs:
Rocky and Bullwinkle---"Stupidity at Epidemic Proportions"
Dogbert---"Let me drop everything and work on YOUR problem"
and finally,
"What time is recess?"
Well this isn't working. Back to pacing the floor. Hey it works off the winter weight. I actually lost a pound this week. I'm gonna call it the Trial by Jury Diet.
So at the moment I'm pacing the floor waiting to see if there will be court today. Do you suppose that's why they call the documents the Pacer system? High-strung people trying to calm down long enough to get the facts onto paper.
To amuse and calm myself I'm looking at the slogans on my coffee mugs:
Rocky and Bullwinkle---"Stupidity at Epidemic Proportions"
Dogbert---"Let me drop everything and work on YOUR problem"
and finally,
"What time is recess?"
Well this isn't working. Back to pacing the floor. Hey it works off the winter weight. I actually lost a pound this week. I'm gonna call it the Trial by Jury Diet.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
A day with Patrick Fitzgerald
What a privilege to have a press pass to the Libby/CIA trial.
Since my father was the city prosecutor, I have a great respect for the law and its deliberative approach to discerning the truth. I tend to favor the prosecution because of this, which makes me not the ideal jury candidate :)
I arrived at Prettyman Courthouse at 8am with only a couple of other people there at that early hour. Have since learned not to give any details about fellow journalists, it's not the accepted etiquette. They can get in trouble if their employers learn that they have been discussing things with other people, i.e., giving away product for free I guess.
But to speak in generalities, the media people were just great. There were differences of opinion yet everyone worked in an atmosphere of congeniality. I compare it to a gathering of ambassadors: you encounter representatives of rival nations, yet you share the same profession, so you have something in common.
I met many people including the Post's Dan Froomkin, who lives up to his reputation as one who is interested in the true story. He disagrees with people but cordially. Have we lost the ability to disagree without being disagreeable? Some of my fellow bloggers would do well to learn from his example of kindness.
For the record David Shuster is very cool. A great guy. The kind of person you are glad you met, the neighbor you hope to have, the man you want your daughter to marry. Integrity plus. Whatever it is he has gone thru, he is the better man for it. And we are the lucky beneficiaries.
Some mainstream media people that I met today are orbiting their own very tiny planets. I will withhold their names to protect the guilty. It wasn't so much a nose in the air---which I understand, they are STARS after all---as an inability to see beyond their existing small worlds. You want to do that, great go be The Little Prince. But spare us your 'wisdom' about matters of war and peace, because you are reading from recycled paper.
Patrick Fitzgerald is a human being. Let me start with that. He clearly hungers for the truth, and for justice. He leans towards the person speaking. He stares into the future. He hurts when things do not go the way of Good. It is a privilege to be on the same planet as such a person, and to speak to him however briefly is my happiness. I said Thank You to him, but I will not describe his reply because I don't want to make him into some kind of an idol, which is forbidden by both Old and New Testaments. But testimony today shows that important people are lying about important matters. I identify with some of them, they remind me of people I went to school with. They are only trying to do their job, and protect their bosses and their administration. Yet while I identify with them, I try to remember that their policies are responsible for the unnecessary deaths of many Americans and many people in the middle East. Judge not, says God; He will judge. I rest my case. I throw this situation His way and beg Him to bless our efforts at obtaining real justice.
Since my father was the city prosecutor, I have a great respect for the law and its deliberative approach to discerning the truth. I tend to favor the prosecution because of this, which makes me not the ideal jury candidate :)
I arrived at Prettyman Courthouse at 8am with only a couple of other people there at that early hour. Have since learned not to give any details about fellow journalists, it's not the accepted etiquette. They can get in trouble if their employers learn that they have been discussing things with other people, i.e., giving away product for free I guess.
But to speak in generalities, the media people were just great. There were differences of opinion yet everyone worked in an atmosphere of congeniality. I compare it to a gathering of ambassadors: you encounter representatives of rival nations, yet you share the same profession, so you have something in common.
I met many people including the Post's Dan Froomkin, who lives up to his reputation as one who is interested in the true story. He disagrees with people but cordially. Have we lost the ability to disagree without being disagreeable? Some of my fellow bloggers would do well to learn from his example of kindness.
For the record David Shuster is very cool. A great guy. The kind of person you are glad you met, the neighbor you hope to have, the man you want your daughter to marry. Integrity plus. Whatever it is he has gone thru, he is the better man for it. And we are the lucky beneficiaries.
Some mainstream media people that I met today are orbiting their own very tiny planets. I will withhold their names to protect the guilty. It wasn't so much a nose in the air---which I understand, they are STARS after all---as an inability to see beyond their existing small worlds. You want to do that, great go be The Little Prince. But spare us your 'wisdom' about matters of war and peace, because you are reading from recycled paper.
Patrick Fitzgerald is a human being. Let me start with that. He clearly hungers for the truth, and for justice. He leans towards the person speaking. He stares into the future. He hurts when things do not go the way of Good. It is a privilege to be on the same planet as such a person, and to speak to him however briefly is my happiness. I said Thank You to him, but I will not describe his reply because I don't want to make him into some kind of an idol, which is forbidden by both Old and New Testaments. But testimony today shows that important people are lying about important matters. I identify with some of them, they remind me of people I went to school with. They are only trying to do their job, and protect their bosses and their administration. Yet while I identify with them, I try to remember that their policies are responsible for the unnecessary deaths of many Americans and many people in the middle East. Judge not, says God; He will judge. I rest my case. I throw this situation His way and beg Him to bless our efforts at obtaining real justice.
Monday, February 12, 2007
I'll be live blogging the Libby trial
Including in the courtroom. Tomorrow. Be there.
My hillbilly father/HLS would be astonished and proud.
You hope yr children will go beyond you, as I hope my
children will. For my dad, I think we're there.
My hillbilly father/HLS would be astonished and proud.
You hope yr children will go beyond you, as I hope my
children will. For my dad, I think we're there.
Dialing it back a little
Have been blogging less because of the need to rest and de-stress. That whole re creation thingie.
One amusing item, we found out why Mom's phone wouldn't work overseas. We called [name of phone company omitted to protect the guilty] to say it wasn't working for certain foreign calls, and their response was to turn off all of her international service just as she was leaving for Europe. Which they knew, since that was the point of the call. In fact that was the point of getting this particular phone.
I spent hours trying to get this straightened out, and my brother is doing the same, from France. I have to wonder if we are simply over-engineering the situation. There are bypass solutions [everything is surgery for me you know]. She could ditch this phone and get another one that will work in France. We could say that she doesn't really need a phone since my brother will be staying at the same hotel. But I think we are programmed genetically to take pleasure in coming up with the optimal solution. Bunch of engineers and scientists and lawyers.
A colleague and I once spent a half hour researching ever more clever ways to get from the city center to the airport. That was strictly for fun, but keeping the mind sharp for real problems in the future.
So when I say dialing it back a little, I guess that doesn't include the time with the phone company.
One amusing item, we found out why Mom's phone wouldn't work overseas. We called [name of phone company omitted to protect the guilty] to say it wasn't working for certain foreign calls, and their response was to turn off all of her international service just as she was leaving for Europe. Which they knew, since that was the point of the call. In fact that was the point of getting this particular phone.
I spent hours trying to get this straightened out, and my brother is doing the same, from France. I have to wonder if we are simply over-engineering the situation. There are bypass solutions [everything is surgery for me you know]. She could ditch this phone and get another one that will work in France. We could say that she doesn't really need a phone since my brother will be staying at the same hotel. But I think we are programmed genetically to take pleasure in coming up with the optimal solution. Bunch of engineers and scientists and lawyers.
A colleague and I once spent a half hour researching ever more clever ways to get from the city center to the airport. That was strictly for fun, but keeping the mind sharp for real problems in the future.
So when I say dialing it back a little, I guess that doesn't include the time with the phone company.
Friday, February 09, 2007
First trip to Paris
I just put my mother on Air France for her first ever trip to Paris. At 82 it's best not to delay, even if she is in good health. Mobility counts too, and might make her less able to travel in the future.
My French-speaking brother insisted it was his responsibility to show her Paris. So she and I resisted severe temptation while in Europe. Look, it's the Eurostar, Mom, we could be in Paris in only 2 hours! But no, it wouldn't be right. Must wait for my brother.
And in my case such a trip would have been my first experience with the tunnel between England and France. Imagine what the warriors of centuries past would say about a tunnel under the English channel. Hey, let's invade this morning!
Mom and I have had a roots trip to Germany, where we saw people that look like various relatives; a lovely tour of Britain including my beloved Scotland; and a train tour of Italy and Switzerland. I am grateful to have these times with her. The experiences remain high on the list of my fondest memories of the last few years.
Bon voyage Mother! Wishing you much joy on your journey. You sacrificed so much to bear 8 and raise 7 children. You deserve all the happiness you can get.
My French-speaking brother insisted it was his responsibility to show her Paris. So she and I resisted severe temptation while in Europe. Look, it's the Eurostar, Mom, we could be in Paris in only 2 hours! But no, it wouldn't be right. Must wait for my brother.
And in my case such a trip would have been my first experience with the tunnel between England and France. Imagine what the warriors of centuries past would say about a tunnel under the English channel. Hey, let's invade this morning!
Mom and I have had a roots trip to Germany, where we saw people that look like various relatives; a lovely tour of Britain including my beloved Scotland; and a train tour of Italy and Switzerland. I am grateful to have these times with her. The experiences remain high on the list of my fondest memories of the last few years.
Bon voyage Mother! Wishing you much joy on your journey. You sacrificed so much to bear 8 and raise 7 children. You deserve all the happiness you can get.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Sunshine in February
It may be winter for everyone else, but with the return of longer sunny days, for me spring is here.
My productivity will surge---sorry, retract that word which is stained with the blood of our brave troops. A girl I hae known since she was seven is going to Iraq this month with the Marines.
Tears and prayers for her. Speaking of life and hope.
I played Spring in the second grade play. Still have the dress. Favorite color green, new life, new hope.
The ice is breaking up and the river is beginning to flow in the CIA/Plame case. "The prosecution rests." I find little buds and shoots of hope appearing in our winter-weary nation. When will we be finished with this harsh political season, and return to running the country properly?
I think it will be 6 more weeks of meteorological winter and maybe several more years of political winter. [Groundhog Day or Candlemas, take your choice.]
But spring will come again.
My productivity will surge---sorry, retract that word which is stained with the blood of our brave troops. A girl I hae known since she was seven is going to Iraq this month with the Marines.
Tears and prayers for her. Speaking of life and hope.
I played Spring in the second grade play. Still have the dress. Favorite color green, new life, new hope.
The ice is breaking up and the river is beginning to flow in the CIA/Plame case. "The prosecution rests." I find little buds and shoots of hope appearing in our winter-weary nation. When will we be finished with this harsh political season, and return to running the country properly?
I think it will be 6 more weeks of meteorological winter and maybe several more years of political winter. [Groundhog Day or Candlemas, take your choice.]
But spring will come again.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Ansel Adams: our family has unattributed photos
Some history I need to record.
There are unattributed photos of Ansel Adams in two publications: Arizona Highways, put out iirc by the state of Arizona, and The Highway Magazine, put out by Armco Steel of our hometown Middletown, Ohio, now AK Steel.
My grandfather Walter Herbert Spindler met Ansel Adams in 1958 [possibly 59] as a fellow nature photographer. My mother has the 4-6 issues of Arizona Highways with unattributed Ansel Adams photos: I will TRY to get you the dates. 1930's - 40's - early 50's she thinks, and promises to look them up at home. They also contain photos by a younger Barry Goldwater. We also have decades of The Highway Magazine with the first Adams in 1916 then jumping to the mid 20's and continuing on for decades. My cousin Steve Spindler [a cartographer---surprise?] in Jenkintown, suburban Philadelphia, has these issues.
Granddad was a photographer of the building of the Alaskan Highway in 1943, because he felt he had to be there. Is there a better reason?? Does this sound like any egregious characters you know?
Granddad also met Mt. Rushmore and Stone Mountain sculptor Gutzon Borglum. They met in 1936 at Mt. Rushmore when the sculpture wasn't yet finished. He saw Borglum's work at Stone Mountain in approx 1933, apparently they ran out of money...for 50 years. The project was later finished.
This is from the absolutely non-ADHD part of the family. Yet amazingly artistic/creative! I always thot of them as the calm engineering people and yet here is the desire to explore and the appreciation of beauty. A cousin on this side of the family has wintered over at the South Pole 3 times including in the early years before DVD's. Another cousin lives in China. And yr own egregious works in Russia. We inherited the explorer gene for sure. We have SO many slides [children, that is how people used to keep photos in the dinosaur days] of individual flowers.
I don't know what else to say about this except that I promise to extract more details from my mother tomorrow before she embarks on her first trip to Paris.
JUST when you think you know your family...
There are unattributed photos of Ansel Adams in two publications: Arizona Highways, put out iirc by the state of Arizona, and The Highway Magazine, put out by Armco Steel of our hometown Middletown, Ohio, now AK Steel.
My grandfather Walter Herbert Spindler met Ansel Adams in 1958 [possibly 59] as a fellow nature photographer. My mother has the 4-6 issues of Arizona Highways with unattributed Ansel Adams photos: I will TRY to get you the dates. 1930's - 40's - early 50's she thinks, and promises to look them up at home. They also contain photos by a younger Barry Goldwater. We also have decades of The Highway Magazine with the first Adams in 1916 then jumping to the mid 20's and continuing on for decades. My cousin Steve Spindler [a cartographer---surprise?] in Jenkintown, suburban Philadelphia, has these issues.
Granddad was a photographer of the building of the Alaskan Highway in 1943, because he felt he had to be there. Is there a better reason?? Does this sound like any egregious characters you know?
Granddad also met Mt. Rushmore and Stone Mountain sculptor Gutzon Borglum. They met in 1936 at Mt. Rushmore when the sculpture wasn't yet finished. He saw Borglum's work at Stone Mountain in approx 1933, apparently they ran out of money...for 50 years. The project was later finished.
This is from the absolutely non-ADHD part of the family. Yet amazingly artistic/creative! I always thot of them as the calm engineering people and yet here is the desire to explore and the appreciation of beauty. A cousin on this side of the family has wintered over at the South Pole 3 times including in the early years before DVD's. Another cousin lives in China. And yr own egregious works in Russia. We inherited the explorer gene for sure. We have SO many slides [children, that is how people used to keep photos in the dinosaur days] of individual flowers.
I don't know what else to say about this except that I promise to extract more details from my mother tomorrow before she embarks on her first trip to Paris.
JUST when you think you know your family...
Monday, February 05, 2007
The puzzle puzzle: solved!
Did you ever find an activity that just made you feel calm and happy? Ok other than THAT one :)
People with ADD and possibly OCD apparently find some peace by taking up activities with repetitive hand motions.
I am surprised by how many acquaintances used to knit during the Vietnam war, then let it lapse, then have recently taken knitting up again. Myself, I don't pretend to make anything fancy, just rectangles that could charitably be called scarves.
My new activity is a logic puzzle called Paint by numbers.* My sister found one book of these that she liked so much, she would erase the puzzles and do them again. Me: ok weird, but interesting.
*Eeeeek, my first successful link on this blog...
Then I found a magazine in the St. Petersburg airport, airside, mostly in Japanese with pithy sayings and salacious ads in Russian. Got one for my sister and as an afterthot one for me.
Well! Turns out it is very calming to quietly calculate which squares to fill in with pencil strokes. So I find myself hooked. It has helped me keep my sanity while waiting in airports, on long distance flights, and while enduring inevitable pauses in Plame trial news. [Go Jane, Christy, Marcy, Swopa, Pach, TRex!!]
So this time leaving St. Petersburg, following a troubled trip in terms of customs harrassment and being followed by strangers, I looked forward to buying another pair of puzzle magazines at the airport for Marilyn and me. Alas! The space where they had been was vacant, open for reconstruction. Ach du lieber. Went towards the departure gate and found the store in its new location. Hope springs eternal [not, hopespringsaturtle, one of the all-time great pennames].
Rustled thru my briefcase and pulled out the beloved puzzle magazine, Do you have this? She looked over at the magazine rack and said, Sorry. Ruh roh. Class C emergency. It doesn't really matter in the long haul, but still....
[Little travel joke about long haul. Guess you had to be there.]
So upon return to the USSA it was a priority to research this puzzle book. I thot I would have to contact either a Japanese or a Russian distributor to get the needed material.
New theory: maybe a general US puzzle magazine would have this, good thinking. I looked carefully at Games Magazine and found the gold at the end of the rainbow: the familiar pattern on the corner of the cover. Raced to google the name of the puzzle, and found many! books and magazines with diverse names:
Hanjie
O'ekaki
Crosspix
Paint by sudoku
Paint by number
Picross
Nonograms
Griddlers
VICTORY! So I ordered a set for my sister and a set for moi. Patiently waiting. Ok those of you that know me, not so patiently waiting.
I struggle to calm my hyperactive brain. It is a great blessing except when it isn't. Thots flying too fast. Scanning the universe in search of....? Anything I find to help calm me down, excluding alcohol, is on the list.
I drink so I don't become hysterical, and angry, and say something that would hurt someone. PLEASE GOD let the researchers find new drugs that will help people like me.
Puzzle not quite solved, after all.
People with ADD and possibly OCD apparently find some peace by taking up activities with repetitive hand motions.
I am surprised by how many acquaintances used to knit during the Vietnam war, then let it lapse, then have recently taken knitting up again. Myself, I don't pretend to make anything fancy, just rectangles that could charitably be called scarves.
My new activity is a logic puzzle called Paint by numbers.* My sister found one book of these that she liked so much, she would erase the puzzles and do them again. Me: ok weird, but interesting.
*Eeeeek, my first successful link on this blog...
Then I found a magazine in the St. Petersburg airport, airside, mostly in Japanese with pithy sayings and salacious ads in Russian. Got one for my sister and as an afterthot one for me.
Well! Turns out it is very calming to quietly calculate which squares to fill in with pencil strokes. So I find myself hooked. It has helped me keep my sanity while waiting in airports, on long distance flights, and while enduring inevitable pauses in Plame trial news. [Go Jane, Christy, Marcy, Swopa, Pach, TRex!!]
So this time leaving St. Petersburg, following a troubled trip in terms of customs harrassment and being followed by strangers, I looked forward to buying another pair of puzzle magazines at the airport for Marilyn and me. Alas! The space where they had been was vacant, open for reconstruction. Ach du lieber. Went towards the departure gate and found the store in its new location. Hope springs eternal [not, hopespringsaturtle, one of the all-time great pennames].
Rustled thru my briefcase and pulled out the beloved puzzle magazine, Do you have this? She looked over at the magazine rack and said, Sorry. Ruh roh. Class C emergency. It doesn't really matter in the long haul, but still....
[Little travel joke about long haul. Guess you had to be there.]
So upon return to the USSA it was a priority to research this puzzle book. I thot I would have to contact either a Japanese or a Russian distributor to get the needed material.
New theory: maybe a general US puzzle magazine would have this, good thinking. I looked carefully at Games Magazine and found the gold at the end of the rainbow: the familiar pattern on the corner of the cover. Raced to google the name of the puzzle, and found many! books and magazines with diverse names:
Hanjie
O'ekaki
Crosspix
Paint by sudoku
Paint by number
Picross
Nonograms
Griddlers
VICTORY! So I ordered a set for my sister and a set for moi. Patiently waiting. Ok those of you that know me, not so patiently waiting.
I struggle to calm my hyperactive brain. It is a great blessing except when it isn't. Thots flying too fast. Scanning the universe in search of....? Anything I find to help calm me down, excluding alcohol, is on the list.
I drink so I don't become hysterical, and angry, and say something that would hurt someone. PLEASE GOD let the researchers find new drugs that will help people like me.
Puzzle not quite solved, after all.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Heroic rescue: healing the healers
These words of encouragement from Kevin Hayden:
You will, I bet, choose the necessary course. Sometimes (since I've done social work) that requires a psychic retreat to heal the healer. Such retreats never last, as there's always more lives at risk and always more that require extra attention.
Not all will be saved and we have to trust that life's chosen moments include proper moments to cease.
Trust your heart. Those of us who catch glimpses of it do, and for good reason. Folks who love you, even at a distance, would naturally wish you proper health, proper rest, and all the same good that you provide others.
So the moments you choose for your own renewals are just as vital as are the others you carry your missions to. Your life, too, is worth the extraordinary effort, worth the heroic rescue.
Do what you can and do what you must. It is not just the babies you save that adds value. You inspire thousands more (at least) to persist against long odds, to resist the uncaring, to remember that every life deserves extra attention.
You will inspire just as many to care for themselves when you take your retreats to take care of you.
Remember the old TV series 'Mission Impossible'? Only the tapes self-destructed. And the missions proved possible.
Do what you must. And never fear asking others for help when the bad guys are near.
You will, I bet, choose the necessary course. Sometimes (since I've done social work) that requires a psychic retreat to heal the healer. Such retreats never last, as there's always more lives at risk and always more that require extra attention.
Not all will be saved and we have to trust that life's chosen moments include proper moments to cease.
Trust your heart. Those of us who catch glimpses of it do, and for good reason. Folks who love you, even at a distance, would naturally wish you proper health, proper rest, and all the same good that you provide others.
So the moments you choose for your own renewals are just as vital as are the others you carry your missions to. Your life, too, is worth the extraordinary effort, worth the heroic rescue.
Do what you can and do what you must. It is not just the babies you save that adds value. You inspire thousands more (at least) to persist against long odds, to resist the uncaring, to remember that every life deserves extra attention.
You will inspire just as many to care for themselves when you take your retreats to take care of you.
Remember the old TV series 'Mission Impossible'? Only the tapes self-destructed. And the missions proved possible.
Do what you must. And never fear asking others for help when the bad guys are near.
Friday, February 02, 2007
My ADD interferes with my OCD
True quote from my best friend. We were discussing the joys of being both ADD and OCD when she came up with this gold. Need to think about the implications.
May I ramble on a bit? All right, you say, and in fact necessary to identify a post as being uniquely mine. Not kind of unique, sort of unique, nearly unique, [uniquer--per egSon] thank you lovely children who know this pet peeve. It is either one of a kind or not. Unique or not unique. /rant.
As to rambling, you might think this was the very sign of me posting, rather like looseheadprop's spelling errors at firedoglake. It's how we know it is her speaking.
This lovely friend came over today, as every Friday, to help in whatever way I needed for the Russian Medical Fund work. Today the agenda was to keep the president from quitting. Again. But rather seriously this time.
According to my friend, there are still children who will die without our help, and no one will take my place if I quit [what is WRONG with this world], and I probably am strong enough to keep doing this work. Gratuitous swear word inserted here. I apparently continue to have the obligation and the opportunity to save lives if only I will keep going. So be it. But I hope it's worth the cost.
We operated on a child from Tadzhikistan, who came to us from another center that will remain nameless to protect the guilty. The parents SOLD THEIR HOUSE to pay for his first surgery at the other institution, and they nearly killed him. They at least had the conscience to send him on to us. We did his repair, undoing their strange cutting and pasting, and now he has a chance at a normal life.
I watched the re-do surgery and sat with the mother, who was understandably hysterical, as her son came from surgery to the ICU. I explained to her that the surgery went well, was perfectly normal, yet her son would look strange being under anaesthesia and with tubes sticking into him. We spoke in Russian, which was her second language and mine. Yet as mothers we communicated at a higher level. She trusted me since I too had children.
That's the good news. The bad news: there are people in the city where I work who are actively trying to shut down our program, which saves the lives of 350 children a year.
Why? To bring a trickle of federal money toward their own program, so they can have a small and weak program that kills more patients than they save. They want to expand their own program at the cost of killing ours.
Can you hear my response? Their inability to see beyond themselves is evil.
Yet at some level I am sympathetic. It is always hard to see beyond oneself, or beyond one's own organization. But in this case, for them to succeed, children will die. I WILL RESIST.
My alcohol counselor is unhappy. Better I should withdraw from this struggle and work on my own sanity. What is morally right here?
I have already decided to withdraw from the issue of war and peace between the United States and Iraq/Iran/et cetera, for the benefit aof my sanity. Must I leave my work of 10+ years as well?
May I ramble on a bit? All right, you say, and in fact necessary to identify a post as being uniquely mine. Not kind of unique, sort of unique, nearly unique, [uniquer--per egSon] thank you lovely children who know this pet peeve. It is either one of a kind or not. Unique or not unique. /rant.
As to rambling, you might think this was the very sign of me posting, rather like looseheadprop's spelling errors at firedoglake. It's how we know it is her speaking.
This lovely friend came over today, as every Friday, to help in whatever way I needed for the Russian Medical Fund work. Today the agenda was to keep the president from quitting. Again. But rather seriously this time.
According to my friend, there are still children who will die without our help, and no one will take my place if I quit [what is WRONG with this world], and I probably am strong enough to keep doing this work. Gratuitous swear word inserted here. I apparently continue to have the obligation and the opportunity to save lives if only I will keep going. So be it. But I hope it's worth the cost.
We operated on a child from Tadzhikistan, who came to us from another center that will remain nameless to protect the guilty. The parents SOLD THEIR HOUSE to pay for his first surgery at the other institution, and they nearly killed him. They at least had the conscience to send him on to us. We did his repair, undoing their strange cutting and pasting, and now he has a chance at a normal life.
I watched the re-do surgery and sat with the mother, who was understandably hysterical, as her son came from surgery to the ICU. I explained to her that the surgery went well, was perfectly normal, yet her son would look strange being under anaesthesia and with tubes sticking into him. We spoke in Russian, which was her second language and mine. Yet as mothers we communicated at a higher level. She trusted me since I too had children.
That's the good news. The bad news: there are people in the city where I work who are actively trying to shut down our program, which saves the lives of 350 children a year.
Why? To bring a trickle of federal money toward their own program, so they can have a small and weak program that kills more patients than they save. They want to expand their own program at the cost of killing ours.
Can you hear my response? Their inability to see beyond themselves is evil.
Yet at some level I am sympathetic. It is always hard to see beyond oneself, or beyond one's own organization. But in this case, for them to succeed, children will die. I WILL RESIST.
My alcohol counselor is unhappy. Better I should withdraw from this struggle and work on my own sanity. What is morally right here?
I have already decided to withdraw from the issue of war and peace between the United States and Iraq/Iran/et cetera, for the benefit aof my sanity. Must I leave my work of 10+ years as well?
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