Friday, July 27, 2007

Things which divide us

I have had a couple experiences today that illuminate the deep and perhaps impossible gap between human beings. We try to hide things from others so that life in family and community is possible. But what happens when the end result is consistently pain for one person?

The danger is substance abuse and extended periods of feeling sad and angry about this decision. I would describe myself as a pre-alcoholic, it will be a struggle to see which way this goes. To submerge my own needs for others, how far exactly does that go? And my religion is frankly not helpful here, as one is to put the needs of others above one's own. Being first big sister of 7 and then a mother and then a charity president who is responsible for saving 3,000 lives no pressure there.

Is there an alternative? To speak freely? What if speaking freely would hurt the person you love. If that person is a child or a sibling who is emotionally wounded, is it the better part of love to decide not to speak plainly? Where is the line.

What if the person is someone who is not responsible for the reservoir of pain I carry around. Do I speak up, say how certain actions are hurtful? Say nothing for the ten thousandth time? I feel that I am a person deeply in debt, emotional debt and I don't know if I will ever become solvent. In the meantime, I don't want to frighten and hurt those who are in my daily life.

Need to proceed very slowly and gently with healing, to protect vital relationships. I will not speak in anger lest I hurt someone I love. I am learning to whisper a tiny bit louder so that people around me know when their actions have pushed me under when I am already close to drowning.


egregious said...

And nice contrast with the previous post. I never claimed to be consistent, only honest.

NZ Expat, Just returned to KS said...

Ah yes, but a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, according to Emerson.

No advice this morning, but a compliment to say thanks for living the uncomfortable questions and not anesthetizing yourself. Not exactly comforting, but still very important.